Guidville, USA

I got an irate call from my husband this morning. He had called Dish Network because there was something wrong with our system, and he didn't want to miss our college football team's playoff game tomorrow morning. Go, Bearcats! That's all the spirit I've got, unfortunately. When pressed, I got the school colors wrong, and I got a four-year degree there. Incidentally, AC Milan is in the World Club Cup Championship game. Now that's exciting. Woo-hoo! Anyone?

We've had problems dealing with Dish Network in the past because it's about the only bill in my name, and Sam is usually the one who calls. I kept my name when I married Sam because my last name is Italian and Sam's is German or maybe Dutch, we're not sure. I don't get bent out of shape if a telemarketer asks for Jennifer Hislastname, but Sam, for whatever backwards reason, comes unglued when he is mistakenly referred to as Sam Mylastname. So, the poor Customer Service Rep was unsuccessfully trying to locate our account on their system, and Sam finally suggested she look it up under "Sam Mylastname." The CSR found it, and they were happily progressing through the diagnostics when the CSR said something about our address in Rockaway Beach, New York. She had pulled up some other Sam Mylastname's account.

At this point in the story, Sam's voice went up an octave. "Do you know where that is?" he demanded. "It's in the heart of Guidville! There are probably a dozen Sam Mylastnames in Rockaway Beach, New York." I tried to interrupt him with threats of marital sanctions for his ethnic slur, but he was unstoppable. Apparently, I am supposed to call Dish Network and explain to them that Sam has his own last name, and we in no way live in Rockaway Beach, New York aka Guidville or Dagotown. And once again - you cannot imagine how often this topic is revisited - Sam declared that our lives would be so much easier if I would just take his name. Sam, I'm not going to change my name and erase my heritage so that you can make a phone call to Dish Network. But thanks for asking.