Thursday Overthink: FIFA World Cup 2010

Friends, the next World Cup is nearly upon us. The games don't start until next summer, but the draw to determine the groups is TOMORROW. In case you were thinking of calling me for a chat Friday night, don't. I have mixed feelings about the tournament: I am excited of course - who doesn't love a good World Cup? - but loathe to lose my crown. I have no expectation of Italy winning again. Does this make me a bad fan? Winning two times in a row is a lot to ask, and I'm not greedy. But does that mean that I will watch without my heart in my mouth? I wonder if an Italian loss could ever hurt less than Tiger Woods coming home to a scorned wife at 2AM.

In World Cup news:

• Wal-Mart is going to put special shops promoting the World Cup inside its stores. No details have been provided, unless "unique opportunity for us to leverage our global scale" means anything to you.

• FIFA and Sony have signed a deal to broadcast match highlights in 3D, and they are discussing doing the same with live matches.

I don't understand this whole 3D movement in film and now TV. Do people still have to wear those red and blue glasses? If so, those better be stocked at Wal-Mart's World Cup Shop right next to the FIFA branded floor pillows I will need to cushion my head when I faint after watching Cannavaro slide-tackle in 3D.

Thursday OverThink #7, courtesy of Floyd Landis

The 32nd Joe Martin Stage Race is nearly upon us. For you non-locals, it’s a professional cycling event held right here in Fayetteville; look for it May 7-10. Some cycling enthusiasts are all aflutter over the news that Floyd Landis will be here to participate in the upcoming event.

In this news story, the race director claims that Landis is, next to the vaunted Lance Armstrong, the most well known American cyclist. I argue that distinction should go to George Hincapie. Not only is he an amazing athlete, he is a strangely cool guy. Hincapie married a Podium Girl,* launched his own sportswear line, and lives in South Carolina where he's building a "professional training village" for cyclists. Talk about living the dream. By contrast, Landis has been off the scene for years, what with that whole getting banned from professional cycling for doping thing.

I guess you could say Landis is more memorable. He was a soft-cell feature story: a former Mennonite who bucked family and religion to follow his dream of cycling and won the biggest bike race in the world. Until the routine blood-test results came back. After being found guilty of doping, even after appeal, stripped of his 2006 Tour de France title, fired from his cycling team, divorced, and banned from professional cycling through January 2009, Landis is back. He will be racing in Fayetteville as a member of Team OUCH. How appropriate.

I don’t wonder at his gall in returning to professional cycling. The dude has staggering mortgages and legal fees to pay. Apart from those electric Amish fireplaces, I don’t know what else Mr. Landis is qualified to do. However, I disagree with celebrating a cheater coming to town.

*Podium Girls are the hot chicks who pose with and smooch the race winners post-event and hand out the prizes.

Thursday OverThink #6, courtesy of Morrissey

Morrissey’s new album, Years of Refusal, is coming out February 17. The cover is a picture of Morrissey with a baby under his arm, which is completely disturbing because I can’t think of anyone with greater disdain for humanity. Not even me. Worse, the artwork inside is a picture of Morrissey and his band, naked except for a 7-inch vinyl record affixed to, well, where you’d hope. The musicians are all staring blankly – this is surely just one of many bizarre hoops the great and powerful Moz makes them jump through – and Morrissey is combing his hair. I won’t post the photo here, as this is a family website (except when I drop the occasional f-bomb or call homeroom moms hookers). If you must, you can view the picture here.

I love Morrissey, not nearly as much as my husband does – not that there’s anything wrong with that – and this picture has seriously messed with me. I had a Smiths CD in my car, and I had to stop listening to it because I couldn’t erase the mental picture of naked Morrissey singing to me while running a comb through his silver hair.

Morrissey, you have overthought both album art and your physical appeal.

Thursday OverThink #5, courtesy of KUAF 91.3 FM

**UPDATED**
Please read the comment left by KUAF news director explaining the station's absence due to power failure.

When the ice storm hit on January 27, Fayetteville was hungry for news. The local newspapers, the TV stations, the radio stations: all had lost power, like the rest of us. The only thing we knew for days was silence and cracking branches. Then, the whole town started coming back to life, including our news sources, with one notable exception.

KUAF 91.3 FM, our local National Public Radio affiliate, remained silent. KUAF is housed on the University of Arkansas campus, which never lost power. Did you catch that? The university campus is one of the precious few areas whose power lines are underground; hence, they never lost power. We could see the lights of campus, mocking us, every night from our cold, dark house. I fail to understand exactly what the hell KUAF was doing when its community needed it most.

KUAF finally came back on the air Monday, three days ago. The first thing I heard when I tuned is was a request for money. Really. Because we rely on them. Really?

I checked the website today for an explanation or an apology...or to learn that the station is back on the air, but running at reduced power.

KUAF, you might want to rethink your tagline: “KUAF is your indispensable connection to the world.”

While on the site, I also found a five-minute piece on Mount Sequoyah recorded the day after the ice storm.

The Winter Ice Storm of 2009
FAYETTEVILLE, AR(2009-01-31) The morning after one of the most devastating weather events in recent memory, we take a walk....
Visit this link for the full story:
http://publicbroadcasting.net/kuaf/news/content/1464162.html

Thursday OverThink #4, courtesy of the International Consumer Electronics Show

For today's OverThink, I have chosen two tech-geek products from the International Consumer Electronics Show that opened today in Las Vegas. As you will see, the combination of genius, testosterone, and complete lack of girls and sunlight begets true innovation.

Mind Flex
Mattel Inc. introduced Mind Flex, a toy that comes with a brain-scanning headset. When the dork in the headset concentrates, a fan spins to levitate a ball. Players can waste hours of their lives trying to guide the ball through the hoop obstacle course. A break in concentration will cause the ball to descend. (Be warned: Frequent game play may slow or even halt descent of the player’s balls.) Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Jedi Mind Trick. Boys, boys, boys, it’s just a movie. There is no such thing as The Force. What? Yes, I’ll wait while you go get your $500 replica Sith Lord lightsaber out of its display case. Nice cape.

GeForce 3D Vision
Nvidia Corp. also set nerd hearts aflutter with video game glasses that turn compatible monitors into three-dimensional displays. All the better to play gory killing games with. When future school/mall shooters dismember demon werewolves, they want organs flying out of the screen at them. Hey, man, I’m not making fun, so you can keep me off your People to Kill list. Those glasses look awesome with your trenchcoat. I would like to ask Nvidia one question that is surely on the mind of every avid gamer: Can you wear these over your existing glasses?

Mattel MindFlex - $80.00
Nvidia GeForce 3D Vision - $200.00
Overthinking guaranteed celibacy - Priceless

Thursday OverThink #3, courtesy of SoftSoap

As of Monday, there is a new hand soap in the bathroom at work: Softsoap Black Raspberry and Vanilla. Hardly. It smells like cheap perfume on a decaying corpse. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal except the smell does not wash off. Damn you, Softsoap, clean my hands, do not scent them for hours and hours, especially with the fragrance of rot. Every time I brush back my hair or scratch my nose, I am accosted with perfumed death.

Also, it makes my hands cold as ice, numb to the wrist. What is it, mentholated? It is twenty-nine degrees outside and I’m washing my hands in liquid nitrogen. Christ Jesus, I can smell my frozen hands from the keyboard as I type. Kudos to the development team who came up with a product that turns my hands into a morgue. Next trip to the bathroom, I’m considering just rinsing my hands really well. Better yet, I will not drink anything all day long.

Softsoap, you have overthought hand washing.

Thursday OverThink #2, courtesy of The City of Fayetteville

Each year about this time, Fayetteville's downtown square is festooned with lights: white lights, colored lights, winding up tree trunks, blanketing bushes, blinking, glowing, pretty, pretty lights. The energy-wasting display is completely over the top, and every year the City Council threatens to discontinue the popular Lights of the Ozarks. And every year, Fayetteville citizens scream, "Oh no you don't!"

How else would we know that Christmas is coming if we didn't attend the parade with our children and sigh in awe when the switch is flipped and all 450,000 lights turn on? What would replace the smells of hot cocoa, kettle corn and cotton candy that fortunately mask the smells of the pony and camel rides? Despite frigid temperatures, almost every night there are bands and choirs providing live holiday music. There is a dedicated lane for horse-drawn carriages, and I've heard that this year there will be reindeer. I totally just got goosebumps.

City workers spent over 2,000 hours stringing up the lights that will be lit every night through December 31. The theme of this year’s parade is “Rocking in a Green Wonderland.” Ah, the irony. City of Fayetteville, you have overthought municipal holiday decor. And I love you for it.

Thursday OverThink #1, courtesy of Paolo's Elementary School

The perpetrator of the very first Thursday OverThink is not me, which is odd because I felt like I was in the running. We’re flying down to Florida next week to visit my family, which means Paolo will miss four days of school. I mentioned his impending absence to his teacher, who told me it wasn’t a big deal because he’s doing really well, but I would need to send a note to the office. Remember those notes your mom scribbled on the back of an envelope for you to take to school on the day AFTER your absence? This is how I roll:

To Whom It May Concern:
Please excuse Paolo’s absence from school Monday, November 17 through Thursday, November 21. We are traveling to Florida to visit family. I have already spoken with Ms. C. about take-home assignments and lessons to review with Paolo during his absence. Please contact me should you have any questions or concerns.
Best regards,
Paolo’s Excruciatingly Proper Mother

Imagine my surprise when I was informed that, because the absence was greater than three days, I had to fill out a special form for the principal to review. The form is printed on legal-size paper, stating the regulations governing excused vs. unexcused absences from school, and requiring inordinate amounts of information from me. For example, if the absence is for a family trip, state with detail the educational opportunities that will be afforded to your child. Attach additional pages if necessary. I kid you not.

I considered picking one of the established excused absence reasons, and just lying, but I’m too honest and too scared of getting caught. So now I wait to see if the principal decides to excuse the absence. I’m not confident of my chances, considering the form was supposed to have been submitted two weeks ago. Why is it is such a big deal to have the four days excused? Because a child who has four unexcused absences in a semester will not receive credit for the semester.

Along with the stress of getting the family packed up and flying halfway across the country with two children, I am now sweating whether my son will flunk out of kindergarten. Elementary School, lighten up. You have overthought your attendance policy.