Friday, January 5, 2007

Happy New Year!

I'm a list-maker and, while I have no use for a roster of personal goals with a high likelihood of failure, I'll try. We are out of milk, Paolo's vitamins, and basil. Now that's a useful list, but not much of a resolution. I could use a haircut. I typically get two haircuts a year, but I think I only got one last year, so that's a valid item. I'd also like to try my hand at cannoli.

I have a better idea: make resolutions for someone else. Now that Festivus is behind us, and we've discussed with our family the many ways they have disappointed us throughout the year, let's draft a list of improvements we'd like to see someone close to us make, a sort of New Year's Restitutions. When Festivus convenes again, we can analyze the lack of effort expended in failing to meet those goals.

Paolo, I have earmarked some areas for personal growth, like growth. Is it absolutely necessary to do all your growing in one day, usually a week after we replace your entire wardrobe in the size you no longer fit? Seriously. Let's aim for steady, gradual growth in 2007, and any time you want to leave the 15th percentile is fine with me. Because worrying about how you're going to hold your own with those nasty overgrown Neanderthals in your class is aging me prematurely.

Next, you need to develop your critical thinking because, while your explanations make sense to you, they tie my frontal lobes in a knot. For example, you didn't want any bubbles in your bath last night because it's not Springtime yet. Gaaahhhh! What does that MEAN??

Last but not least, I would like you to raise your low opinion of me. I am smart, maybe not the smartest person in the world, or even in our house, but definitely smarter than you. When I use a word or expression you are unfamiliar with, it does not entitle you to roll your eyes and ridicule me, because that makes me say stupid things like, "You're just going to have to trust that I have mastered the English language," and that only gets me more eye-rolling. On that note, your daddy is one of the smartest people you will ever know in your life, so when he tells you that, technically, Yoda CAN have a purple stick if you turn on Super Lightsabers, you should clam up and pay attention.

There are also some things that I don't want you to change one bit. Keep smiling and laughing and talking and singing because those are the things I love best about you. Jumping off the furniture is what I love the least, but I'm still very proud when you stick the landing. Maybe I'll adopt that as my own resolution (after the haircut). In this coming year, as in all the years past, there will be ups and downs, things we take pride in and things we regret. I will try to accept accomplishments and disappointments with grace, to cut a bella figura, to stick the landing.

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