And the results are in...

I passed the second glucose tolerance test! You'll recall my last blood sugar score was 140, just one measly point over normal range of 69-139. This time I knocked it out of the park with an 82. Wooooo! Who says cheaters never win? Somebody give me some chocolate.

Nightmare

Sometime during the night, I woke to hear Paolo crying in his sleep. I tried to wake him gently, imagining all the horrors he could be experiencing in his mind. We shouldn't have finally let him watch the first Star Wars movie. Even though it didn't scare him a bit at the time, it must have left some evil imprint on his delicate subconcious. He must be dreaming of monsters, of being chased or hurt. "Paolo, honey, Paolo, you're having a bad dream. Wake up, sweetheart." Even worse, what if he's dreaming of being alone? I bet he's lost or looking for me, but he can't find me. I rubbed his back and tried to break through his night terrors: "Mama's here, baby, Mama's here." Finally he woke, sat up, and asked for some water.
"Did you have a bad dream?" I asked him softly.
"Yeah," he answered.
"What was it about, bud?"
"You got me in Time-Out."

"Well, I'm sure you had it coming. Go back to sleep."

Northwest Arkansas Crime Report 5/27/07

7:01 p.m. A man at 2761 Travis St., Fayetteville, reported an automatic deer feeder stolen.
He will now have to go into the woods to bag a deer rather than picking them off from his back porch.

8:29 p.m. A caller on Orchard Way reported a pickup driving around while two men played instruments in the bed.
That's what we call a free concert in Arkansas.

10:15 p.m. A woman on South Seventh Street reported a male acquaintance threw a deep fryer.
I hope he took the turkey out first, because that's just wasteful.

10:53 p.m. A man at 1664 Lester Cove reported a small child was dropped on the floor.
Britney must have been in town for the Wal-Mart shareholders' meeting.

10:59 p.m. A woman at George’s Deboning Plant, 701 Porter Ave., reported a person stole a vehicle, hit a pedestrian and tried to drive through a fence.
Three hundred originality points for elevating "Take this job and shove it" to the next level. Fifty style points deducted for not making it through the fence.

When History Majors Marry

(Phone rings at work.)

Me: Hello?

Sam: What's up, dude?

Me: Did Missouri enter the Union as a slave state or a free state?

Sam: Well, you have to remember how important it was to preserve the balance of the Union between free and slave states, hence the Missouri Compromise. Kansas came in...

Me: ...as a free state and Missouri came in as a slave state. Damn, why can't I remember that? So is it true that Missouri was the last to abolish slavery?

Sam: It makes no difference. Slavery was abolished on a national level, so however long it took state legislatures to push the paperwork through is moot. After Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation and the Constitutional amendment, slavery was done.

Me: Okay, got it. Hey, what did you want anyway?

Sam: What is Cosmo short for?

Me: Well, it's really Cosimo, like Cosimo Medici.

Sam: Oh that's right, Cosimo was one of the Medici. You are the smartest person alive.

Me: Back at ya. Later.

Sam: Later.

It's only cheating if you get caught.

I totally cheated on my glucose tolerance test. I've never cheated on a test before in my life, academic or medical, so this was a first. My doctor had told me to sit during the hour-long wait between the sugar drink and the blood draw. I disagreed with that approach, so I took a walk around the building...five times. And also I walked a block uphill...twice. What? I was bored! I walked at a leisurely pace, and I sat the rest of the time, honest.

Besides, while the lab lady did my paperwork, she told me I was supposed to be fasting. That information would have been good to have BEFORE I ate breakfast that morning. She wrote down that I was fasting anyway. And I'm supposed to be concerned about the results being skewed because of a little exercise? Please.

And another thing: while I was waiting, I witnessed a parade of round ladies coming and going for their glucose screens. Only two of them were in for the three-hour test, and they were cows. "I am not one of you," I shouted inside my head, and then I went for another walk.

I expect to receive any bad news by mid-week. What if my score is still abnormally high, you may wonder? I will yield ever so gracefully to whatever medical atrocities they want to inflict on me because, if I didn't manage to pass the test this time, there is something seriously the matter with me. Moo.