Jan 4 - 8:47 a.m. A woman at 914 S.E. H St. reported she left a loaded gun in the oven accidentally and later noticed the oven had been turned on.
When she says hands off the apple crisp, she means it.
Jan. 5 - 11:46 a.m. A caller at 906 S. Maestri Road, Springdale, reported a man housesitting had a party and when the couple returned they discovered wedding rings and medications missing.
Why weren’t they wearing their wedding rings? Were they on some kind of swinger cruise?
7:09 p.m. A man on West Persimmon Street reported his stolen vehicle was returned and now the suspect was on his way to kill him.
He should have let him keep the car.
Jan 6 - 9:56 a.m. A woman at North Mission Boulevard and East Gunter Street reported a man standing in the middle of the road, staring at a backpack.
Wait, wait, he's going to levitate it with his mind. Yes, the way of the Jedi seems strange to some.
10:33 a.m. A woman at a preschool at 1125 W. Cleveland St. reported a parent called and threatened to burn the eyeballs out of a former teacher.
The high turnover rate of preschool teachers is truly a mystery.
Jan. 7 - 9:20 p.m. A man on Ford Road, Garfield, reported his 13-year-old nephew threatened to kill him and came at him with a knife because he was disciplined for not taking his antibiotics.
Oh, he needs medication a mite stronger than antibiotics.
Jan. 8 - 9:38 a.m. A woman on Southeast L Street reported the vehicle she lives in broken into repeatedly.
You know your life sucks when your home security system is, “Viper armed!”
9:46 a.m. A man at 1601 S.W. Stagecoach Road reported a muffler stolen off a vehicle.
Dude, no one stole your muffler. A coat hanger will hold for just so long.
Jan 10 - 3:09 a.m. A woman at Decision Point, 602 N. Walton Blvd., reported a naked 33-year-old man refused to leave after being discharged.
He was being discharged after successfully completing the "Making Good Decisions" program.
Jan. 12 - 12:47 p.m. A man on North Big Springs Road, Gravette, reported arguing with his wife who put a pitchfork in his face twice and hit him in the face with her fist.
Because the pitchfork wasn’t doing enough damage?